1 June, 2020
Bubble Beds, Kolkata
I donāt think things can get back to normal for me, moreover, I do not wish to go back to being
normal. Iām witnessing with both eyes open the process that supposed to seduce and corrupt
me and bring me down, but all this witnessing is only strengthening my resolve to find satori.
I do not wish to lie to myself, and whats more, I donāt think I can. But what I do want is to be left
alone. I donāt think others realize just how sensitive I am, so they perpetuate their damage, not
realising they are only hurting themselves.
I really, truly just wish to be left alone. I intend to find a peaceful spot in nature and live out the
rest of my days doing precious little other than surviving.
One can forgive everyone including oneās own self for what went on, but how could you forget?
And, since what has been done cannot be forgotten, why make it worse? I donāt suppose I am
beholden to anyone, and will only like to earn what I have worked for. Anything more than what is
needed for survival must be given away.
What I must work on, and what I havenāt started working on, is my actual meditation practice and
posture. This must be started with immediate effect.
What everyone fails to realise, is that, even though I can guard my perception and remain sane
despite the difference between what I see on a screen and what I see that is not on a screen blurs a
little bit more each day ā there is, for example, a thatched-roofed garage that I can see outside the
window, and the angle the roof makes against the building fills me with much the same feelings as
iāve been programmed to get when I view triangles on a screen ā where all this ends up is
loosening my hold on whatever desires I had in the first place, and as a result, weakening my
ambition and interest to do anything. Truly, I realise now, that the psychological torture and
humiliation will take its toll, one way or another, if not PTSD, then at least I will sink deeper into my
spirituality, for that is the only way I know now to save myself.
The tragedy on the other side is that theyāre perhaps thinking all this is reversible, that money will
somehow change me, fools! Money (if I am forced to accept more than what I need for survival) will
only serve to deepen my solitude, or I will use it to deepen my solitude. At least that is the plan for
now, but I am ignorant of much that has happened behind my back and so I must try to remain open
to possibilities that I am unaware of. But still, left to my own devices, Iād rather be by myself.
The tragedy on the other side is also that these people think they can look me in the eye when I
donāt think they can, and even if they were able to, what do they expect me to do? To softly comply
with their requests and keep on trusting while I slowly lose my mind to the torture? Isnāt it much
better to remove myself from the conflict and the friction and find bliss in solitude?
I feel disgusting, and disgusted, and am perpetually on the edge ā how do I manage to carry on? I
do not know. Maybe because I am faintly aware of the inner treasure Iāve been made aware of. The
tragedy on the other side is that they neither can see, nor understand it, so it seems to them like a
sad story when it is in-fact no such thing. Just think, Iām a man who has been left alone but is never
lonely? It is a true fantasy and any thinking manās dream come true. But people only see the riches
and sex and the money, which to me is of incomparably infinitesimal compared to this gift of
presence.
Anyone who thinks that I will leave the country to see someone is sadly mistaken, the plan is to
retreat into the mountains and keep freelancing forever. Live a humble, single, solitary life with a
bit of reading and writing, coding. I will rent out a room and call it my own - for that is all I need.
Anyone who thinks I will ever want a relationship or even companionship is under some utterly
fantastic delusion and clearly does not understand how the mind and emotions and trust works.
All this, is of course, until the courage finally finds me to retreat into an even deeper state of affairs
and become a monk finally, Iām not sure about it yet, maybe one day.
I guess this is what the world needs me to do anyway.
Humanity under the hood is messed up, but no more than I had expected. So the process I am
administering on you all is slowly draining out the toxicity ā like I drained out the blood from my
Momās mastectomy wounds each morning ā you will get better because I will not give up until you
are better. Meanwhile, all this talk of āchangingā and expecting each other to change is crap,
nobody changes, but everyone does evolve. That has always been the one message hasnāt it,
evolving means witnessing, as you are witnessing me, and I am witnessing you witnessing me, WE
are evolving. Maybe thatās the reason I am able to carry on - there is little else.
I donāt expect I will change, have I changed? I canāt change - nor can you. But have I evolved into
something different? Surely, yes. And have you? Why yes indeed! The world is a different place
from one moment to another, but stories help us figure out the trajectory, the narrative arc.
The message is this, evolve, or technology will claim us all for roadkill. And there is nothing spiritual
about this message either, spirituality is how I arrived at the message, the message is purely
material, is to recognise what is happening as an opportunity for the greater good.x I amā¦
As a thoroughbred anarchist here to disrupt and be disrupted, I believe I have achieved some modest success in what I set out to do. The only remaining question for me is, in this moment, what else can I lose?
Can I lose the thought currently being thought by the entity pretending to be me? Can I lose its hold over the body? Can I lose some aspect of health, so as to hasten the exit? Can I lose an opinion? Can I lose a habit? Lose the attitude? Lose some sleep? When media images, policies and corporate standards tell someone that they are an outsider who needs to fit in in non-relevant ways, weāre establishing patterns of inequity and stress. We need to be clear about the job that needs to be done, the utility weāre seeking to create, but not erect irrelevant barriers, especially ones we canāt see without effort. -Seth Godin
The ongoing society-vs-individual strife that has come to be a symbolic thread running in parallel to the otherwise seemingly normal narrative of my life can be understood to a large extent by the quote above. Not only are these āpatterns of inequity and stressā taking a toll on my financial and mental health, they are also draining me of vitality, zest, and enthusiasm for life ā inclinations I used to have in abundance.
But narratives are malleable, and highly receptive to shifts in perception, and while there is always a pluripotentiality available for each observer to twist and turn their perception to fit the narratives that surround them, the more honest amongst us tend to stick to only those options which sound, at least theoretically, rational.
But we are all experts in rationality these days, a virtue that affords us little by way of options to redefine, spin, or shift the narratives that surround us
In the beginnerās mind there are many possibilities, but in the expertās there are few. -Shunryu Suzuki
So, because the readily available lens of an antagonistic and irksome tale of rebellion and tragedy is a perpetual temptation egging me to exploit it, I choose to look the other way.
The story so far goes thus, it appears that I, just a poor bloke with a chip on his shoulder, attempted something rather foolish to end up under the ever watchful eye of the big brother, got highlighted, and ended up at the mercy of obsessing entities.
Yes, so I took a healthy dose of narcissistic abuse, and am forever doomed to āwalk on eggshellsā, but lately, Iāve come to realise that even narcissism is just a label we give to transitory stuff that has happened all the time on the planet.
So, here then, is where I pick up a new lens, instead of seeing the society as dumb and blind, I choose to see myself as the fool who didnāt know better, and society as a mechanism in the service of my enlightenment.
Looking from the other side, the narrative does not seem so antagonistic. Looking from the Society-for-the-individual lens, it appears that it is I who was so fast asleep, that I had to be brought to at least the half-waking state that all others were in.
Maybe itās a spin, probably to many of you it does not even make sense. But as Ghalib said,
āą¤¦ą¤æą¤² ą¤ą„ ą¤ą„ą¤¶ ą¤°ą¤ą¤Øą„ ą¤ą„ ą¤ą¤¾ą¤²ą¤æą¤¬ ą¤Æą„ ą¤ą„āą¤Æą¤¾ą¤² ą¤ ą¤ą„āą¤ą¤¾ ą¤¹ą„ā
(a nice thought to keep the heart happy aka whatever floats your boat aka delusion)
But then, there is this Urdu couplet I found that resonated, and seems to be true
ŲŖŪŲ±Ū Ł ŲŁŁ Ś©Ų§ ŲØŚ¾Ų±Ł Ų±Ś©Ś¾ŲŖŪ ŪŪŚŗ Ų³Ł Ų¬Ų§ŲŖŪ ŪŪŚŗ
ŁŲ±ŁŪ ŪŪ ŁŁŚÆ ŲŖŁ ŲØŪŲÆŲ§Ų± ŁŲøŲ± Ų¢ŲŖŪ ŪŪŚŗ
translated roughly:
these people are only pretending to be asleep, for your sake,
otherwise, they look pretty woke
Essentially meaning, youāre not the woke one, waking people up, You are the one asleep, slowly being awakened to reality. How about that? Wipe thine ass.
Unscrew yourself.
Drop the momentum, to gain momentum, do it again.
Put Pesticide on the narrative.
back to balance
write yourself off
perform if necessary, but stay single
bliss is ignorance, not the other way around.
major stuff= spirituality, family, resisting temptation
minor stuff = narrative, fame, money, sex, food
donāt major in minor stuff
David, if youāre reading this, no disrespect man, but If I turn down something, it is only to save my own soul. I couldāve been a sellout, but with this much bad taste in everyoneās mouth, frankly, Iād rather not.
I wish to be left alone, all I wish is to be left alone and I wish to be left alone because you all are convinced it is a sin, and I am convinced it is the greatest boon of the century. So we canāt see eye to eye so why should I suffer for something thatās not possible?
So Iām in no mood to do anything other than retire in the mountains, which is just as satisfying as anything else.
I donāt mean to be rude or thankless towards anyoneās generosity, but you must understand what is at stake for me here. Having made plenty clear Iām not interested in free stuff, I am reiterating my commitment to my own internal moral compass, which perhaps everyone either is in denial about, or truly fails to grasp the workings of.
I feel particularly satisfied in my sexless, penniless existence and intend to make only enough money to get by as a spinster. I hope you will understand when I say that it would be foolish to blame anyone for this choice, it is not because of anyone else that I am going this way. The choice is totally my own, so spare me your pity parties.
Iām very much at peace, no hard feelings. This isnāt a crime and there are no victims. Just a totally liberated guy this side of a worldwide snoozefest.
Hereās how I want everyone to see it, I wanted to invite judgement on myself, so I managed to do it. I got what I wanted out of it. No harm, no fowl. Everyone can now move on with their business?
Once again, Iām sorry.
2 June
The whole idea behind manipulating someone is that the entity being manipulated shouldnāt get to find out that thereās manipulation involved. Otherwise its a two-way, never-ending street and the consequences can be disastrous for all parties involved.
Iām staying single as fuck regardless of how much money I have until all things are in the clear. If this means I have to stay single forever, what more could I ask for! I will have received permission from the world to live my dream life of royal solitude.
I guess this is the best thing I can do to save myself in this rat-infested sewer I have fallen into.
Besides, people who are true donāt play games.
I may not know what love is, but I surely know what it is not, and it isnāt this. This isnāt love. I think most people have love mixed up with sex, which is like saying food is knowledge.
I am also simultaneously bracing myself for a life of royal solitude, if not a humble homestead and also preparing to face more abuse for my queer past, which has absolutely no bearing on my current mindset. Must remain silent, let the dogs bark.
I must remain true to who I am, eternal underachiever, with no designs on victory of any sort, but at the same time.
I must work on myself to improve myself.
The goal is simple, to live alone in nature a simpler life with minimum stuff.
Look, let me suggest a way out. Because I donāt want to work for GS.
Plain and simple, I sign a legal document saying, in essence, that I have become a threat to modern society
and should be put to rest, and that I can pick my own assassin, who not only will be absolved from any
hint of criminality in assassinating me, but rather will be rewarded.
Then, David and I grab a beer before he shoots me in the head :D
Iām not joking here.
4 June
Disenfranchisement leads to privacy, the (highly ineffective) clamour for privacy in the face of modern technology is a symptom of the underlying apathy. Privacy is thus a hinderance for greater political involvement of the individual in the community. An instructive parallel about this causal situation is Derridaās joke about the guy who wanted to tickle his wife to death. (?)
Thus, not a fundamental right, albeit an alibi for not being democratic enough.
But thatās not all, this feedback loop is also insidious for privacy also leads to disenfranchisement, for to retreat into your cocoon can only beget disinterest and dishonesty. A perfect excuse for passing the blame on āthe theyā, while maintaining oneās own openness and innocence, without realising how one is an implicit part of the very system one blames with impunity.
To loose all privacy, then, is an act of rebellion against this complacent system and a call to perceive the present, difficult times as a perpetual ābeginning of the futureā rather than an endless āend of historyā. But the road is of course, fraught with dangers for anyone who wants to try this.
Part of the problem statement involves retaining sovereign control over oneās decision making faculties in the face of blatant attempts at brainwashing. The goal is to wake up to the possibility of an ethereal medium where humanity exists as a reflection of itself, without ignoring the fact most people are brainwashed and conditioned by decades of media consumption anyway.
This doesnāt mean not giving people the benefit of the doubt but evaluating oneās own choices more rationally and practically within the greater context of the situation. Not only discerning who is acting out of LOVE vs who is acting out of fear, but also accepting that though one might placate some fears, some of the time, not all the fears can be put to rest in each moment forever. Realising that there are very real limits to how far from their comfort zone people are willing to step at any given moment is essential. The key is to identify who can dare play a new game vs who is scared to leave the old ones behind are key to producing sustainable innovation.
Information has enhanced my way of reasoning about the world, and the feedback conspicuous by its absence is proof that there must be something indisputable behind what iām reasoning, otherwise it could simply end. it is this effortless transgression of a conditioned rationale about human rights and the nature thereof that has pissed people off, and it was intentional. To turn it into a mere game and a popularity contest reflects the size of average humanās common sense. Peter is right, and to admit so is merely to admit that one is, not unlike the others, a victim of oneās own neurosis, we can move on from there and try to act as human beings, or not.
Obviously there is no law against coming out with the truth, hypocrisy shall likely prevail in this situation because the cost-benefit simply does not dictate otherwise. Which is well enough, however, there remains the question of registering dissent for which I think these personal notes will suffice for now.
What would it mean, for example, for society to empower someone who at best, invented a new kind of prison and mic, or at worst, had a knack for being ignored at a large scale.
Surely, people would rather not admit this sub-human treatment meted out to an innocent civilian so the show must go on. Which means no help shall arrive. I can already see my future, a Canadian novelist with questionable sexual perversions.
But it is a sub-human treatment only because of certain power-lobbies, for I have gained much from the experiment. This is yet another reason for my high satisfaction levels and weak need to complain or vent. My reasons for writing this off as a profit, are, among others, religious and spiritual.
i realize this seems cowardice, but some games arenāt worth playing - is my takeaway from this. and i say this not because i think life is precious, for it surely it is not, but because itās just not my style, to accept a consolation prize. Iāve already apologised so I wonāt do it again here. the only eternal thing is how iāve come to know myself, and how the world aided in that understanding, no big deal, nor a sob story either because society got back as good it gave. it was a tie, and that is no consolation, not at this scale. Also, it is not death I fear, but more ridicule and emasculation, I must admit even a shameless fellow like me has his limits.
iām no revolutionary or martyr, nor do i have a message, even the lifestyles is highly unrecommended, but i have remained stoic in unprecedented level of hate and chaos and thats no small feat, i must believe in myself and hold myself accountable at every turn.
I remain humble and teachable, Iād love to be coached if they could stop learning from me.
It is a beautiful narrative to invent to tell oneself, I think, if nothing else, even if, and especially if, I am never compelled to write about it.
from enlightenment to entertainment to ?
the reason i hold my tongue, D
leaving breadcrumbs is a good strategy
the subtext is the news from outside the bubble
the question is not whether to trust, but how much
convince me i deserve you, and iām yours
think of the size of the bubble, it is small
act to decide in urgency
decide to act in normal times
5 June
I Guarantee anyone who makes a sudden move loses the game. Surprise me to surprise yourselves silly.
I wanna yell
i felt loved but not respected, so i had to end it.
plus, i donāt think i could find peace with her.
sorry.
why would i ask for more?
surely, if there was someone who should do with less it is me.
i guess luck does play a part after all, random chance - lets not waste it?
are some āreligionsā more a team sport than others?
There is a clear and present distance between the information I consume,
and my emotional reaction to it, fortunately and surprisingly, the distance
grows wider. iām able to discern the relative seriousness of a message as
i watch my emotional reaction to it fade as quickly as ever, lately, even faster.
if someone wants me to admit I fucked up publicly i will, i do, iām the first to admit of being guilty of drawing outside the margins, it was intentional, too. i do nothing which, in my heart of hearts know to be wrong. that includes sucking dicks as a young one with little understanding of my own sexuality. so, not wrong, whether or not you all can decide to be open about it, iām game.
to me, it seems that it is society that is stuck in the closet, an easily forgivable proclivity by all means.
unlike most, i have crafted and consciously sculpted my sexuality and it has been an uphill struggle, but iām glad to have reached a level where the world is interested in it. i am a deeply personal, deeply sexual being who is flexible with power games in the bed.
flexibility with clear boundaries is the norm, also, $20 is $20 so if the spirit decides to move me who am i to stop? but in having understood homosexuality as a choice, i can see it with the same eyes as all other pleasurable choices and mark it off the map.
but sex is not the ultimate power game as most think, the ultimate power game is to deny senses without depriving them as much as possible. then magic can happen, when you know your place but also have a vision for yourself and tirelessly work to get there.
for me that vision is one of utter solitude and nature, so in so far as society is interested in playing this game out, i shall oblige but the idea is to return to solitude and nature.
i also have come to appreciate the necessity of lies in society, thus reinforcing my belief of morality-as-a-hypocrisy, but it neednāt be so, you could truly believe in your morality, be willing and prepared to die for it, without waiting for permission act as your conscience dictates and the truth falls into place.
how these words rile up those who see me differently than i see myself, fun! but iām not bi or anything like that, so your fascism is leaking when try to turn me into something i am not, that is what makes people feel threatened and insecure. yuck, repulsive!
unlike yours, my heterosexuality is also emergent, from a nebulous and formless mass of spongy emotions and watery feelings, something solid, and ever fully so. which makes you jealous?
which is what makes this a fantasy of control. which gives it a fascist colour and iāll make sure that the fantasy gets buried so deep in legend, myth, and apocrypha that nobody is ever able to look me in the eye and tell me what to do - especially if they have a gun in my face.
that is #1, #2 is how I will manage the rest of my life - you know that answer already too.
as for race, that story is set too, never a good idea to add insult to injury - and it would be decidedly cruel to assume people have evolved enough to look past race - so, no mixing colours - if only things hadnāt gone so ugly, I would have made a grave mistake - but since I donāt owe anything to anymore, I would prefer to stay in my own lane, things being how they are.
Tracy, youāre expecting water to be a soft drink? Just water, not even sparkling. Prepare to be disappointed, donāt say I didnāt warn yāall. Also, I never felt respected with you, cannot imagine ever getting respect. Can only expect demagoguery and myth-making which is just ugly. And it is ugly not for lack of opportunity for myth-making and demagoguery but, look at who you are trying to compete with? Youāre great but do you really think you stand a chance in front of these guys?
Maybe you could dial it back? You wonāt regret dialings it back. Send a video if you ever get with Akshit, would love to watch.
Iāve changed as a result of all this, decidedly pick respect over looks now. Iām not high at all, but I guarantee you we will never meet, you have only to thank yourself.
Iām a man of my word, why do you think I keep apologising? besides,
I have a lot of bad experience behind me, which guides me when it comes to your flavour of Linux.
now, i am not blind to your āneedā, indeed nobody is, but it is as fake as the rest of you, can you accept it? if you could, i could feel respected. so let me keep adding to the list of reasons not to meet here.
I donāt see you respecting anything but the belt on your hedonic treadmill and thats just not who i am, a transcendence that needs violence to reach it can never be worth the effort. also,
half of my battles here involve discerning where the juice is worth the squeeze and where it isnāt.
to have any contact is against everything i stand for and an insult of my education, brute forcing, pushing things isnāt my style, and your failings are proof that it doesnāt work.
i feel like the world is doing a half-assed job at hating me, so i must arrange for it to do a whole-ass job, since clearly i am difficult to love. the goal is to wrap things up as quickly as possible, while staying true to my instincts, never fall for temptation and vanish!
so, well played, and again thanks for the midwifery, only you could have done it.
I donāt think we get each other, look, Corto Maltese and Goldmouth are friends, I donāt suppose they fuck.
also, in no mood to completely quit smoking anytime soon. if anyone is waiting for that to happen, i hope to annoy you as much as possible.
let me simplify things a bit more, and make it easy for everyone. sooner or later, i will be presented with a choice, and my answer is, was, and will remain a flat no. so i fail to understand why you would even try to tempt when I have, many times over, made my choices explicitly clear. i will probably get hated for this, but i am used to being hated by now. so people should just give up their tryingā¦
wont be seen profiting from this shit, eternal loss is my only badge of honour.
12 - Why Iām Not Quitting Smoking (Anytime Soon)
It makes me happy.
You are unhappy.
You think if I can be made unhappy, then we can be at the same level.
All unhappy.
But in trying to make you all happy, I give up my happiness, that is fucked up logic.
Rather, you watch me be happy, and be happy yourself.
ego
slowly losing my libido is preferable to being with someone who doesnāt understand me.
itās not about me not wanting to be a cuck either, that is certainly fun and iām up but, that takes a certain kind of woman.
meanwhile, less libido is such a relief, i cannot describe. iām just as sick of jerking off as you can imagine i am.
it is always the case with me, iām attracted to someoneās poverty of character and moral decrepitude until i find out theyāre also batshit insane, which then begets a major turnoff.
will i ever find a woman worth changing my ways for? probably, probably not, but probably.
i think it is wonderful that without saying a word, iām able to know everything important about someone so i can keep them out
donāt let the short term pleasure of sex fool you guys, celibacy is too much fun
FOR THE HAWKS: developing assets, students, spies are keen observers
maybe i should read the bourne books i wonder if i could learn something from it, or will it be another escape?
write this down somewhere: Iām never having sex without a lawyer and a contract now.
the womb inside the tomb
indecision = 2 decisions / duvidha
undecision = 1 - 1 / we shall see
How can a machine learn to undecide?
Mukti, ek vyavahar.
The Discipline of we shall see
Fuzzy discipline?
indecision = 2 decisions / duvidha
undecision = 1 - 1 / we shall see
So a bunch of old people want to fuck and need my permission?
Well you have my blessings but I wish you could be more open and honest about it. Who am i to stop or judge, rather am proud that youāre bi :)
But this lying and conniving and scheming is so stupid, just come out with it lol
13
Never make a move on facts and guesses,
step away from murky waters
remove yourself from the conflict.
15
Just to make sure I am not playing any games, I am going to write this down one more time.
If things are made explicit = i resign completely into my spirituality and silence, living the rest of my days in solitude, donating any money i win..
If things are not made explicit = i do whatever i please, most likely not leave the country, just keep freelancing for now. Try to save some money and retire in the hills :)
donāt say i didnāt expressly communicate my intentions.
I (enticed someone) to make the machine a fuller extension of myself and my self expression.
šāšØ 1.2 Avoid the objects of the senses like poison.
šāšØ 1.11 If one thinks of oneself as free, one is free, and if one thinks of oneself as bound, one is bound. Here this saying is true āthinking makes it soā
šāšØ 2.10 All this, which has originated out of me, is resolved back into me too, like a jug back into clay, a wave into water, and a gold bracelet into gold.
2.21 I do not even see dualism in a crowd of people, so what do I gain if it is replaced by a desert?
4.4 Who can prevent the great-souled person who has known this whole world as himself from living as he pleases?
15.1 While a man of pure intelligence may achieve the goal by most casual of instructions, another may seek knowledge all his life and still remain bewildered
15.2 Liberation is distaste for the objects of the senses. Bondage is love of the senses. This is knowledge. Now do as you wish.
15.3 How can there be either birth, karma, or responsibility in that one unchanging, peaceful, unblemished, and infinite consciousness which is you?
16.1 My son, you may recite or listen to countless scriptures, but you will not be established within until you can forget everything.
16.4 Happiness belongs to no one but that supremely lazy man for whom even opening and closing his eyes is a bother.
16.10 He who is proud about even liberation or his own body, and feels them his own, is neither a seer nor a yogi. He is still just a sufferer.
17.4 The man is rare who is not attached to the things he has enjoyed, and does not hanker after the things he has not enjoyed.
17.14 When a great souled one is unperturbed in mind, and equally self-possessed at either the sight of a woman inflamed with desire or at approaching death, he is truly liberated.
18.21 He who is desireless, self-reliant, independent, and free of bonds, functions like a dead leaf blown about by the wind of causality.
18.36 The stupid man does not achieve liberation through regular practice, but the fortunate remains free and actionless simply by understanding.
18.40 How can there be self knowledge for him whose knowledge depends on what he sees? The wise do not see this and that, but see themselves as infinite.
18.61 Even abstention from action has the effect of action in a fool, while even the action of the wise man brings the fruits of inaction.
18.67 Glorious is he who has abandoned all goals and is the incarnation of the satisfaction, which is his very nation, and whose inner focus on the unconditioned is quite spontaneous.
18.70 The pure man who has experienced the indescribable attains peace by virtue of his very nature, realising that all this is nothing but illusion, and that nothing is.
18.76 A fool does not get rid of his stupidity even on hearing the truth. He may appear outwardly free from imaginations, but inside he is still hankering after the sense.
18.79 There is neither fortitude, prudence, nor courage for the yogi whose nature is beyond description and free of individuality.
18.97 Not distracted in distraction, in mental stillness not poised, in stupidity not stupid, that blessed one is not even wise in his wisdom.
4 sep
I would like to see the data they have on me, itād be fascinating to study the activities and thoughts recorded!
APP!!!!
There are going to be a few friendly fires (Murphyās law of combat #19) every now and then, to lose focus is to fall prey to these.
Vigilance, above all.
The first rule is : donāt talk about it. and if you have to, donāt try to normalise it or rationalise it.
the idea, when submitting to av is, become pulp. you will find it is very nice to become pulp.
donāt report it to your CO, donāt ask donāt tell, never explain, never complain, but sort out the things
that need sorting out on your own - and enjoy the rest.
if you were caught unawares, you deserved it. try to not be surprised by anything.
remember no has power over you so they cannot manipulate unless you want to manipulate too.
manipulation is a two way street.
surrendering (the illusion of) control is a highly evolved game, only superstructures have sovereignty, the human
body is a tyranny of the cell, conditioning ā in this sense, superstructures can seem evil
surrendering the illusion of equity/vote (in the human experience) is a low hanging fruit, and largely accomplished
in most democracies
the feminine infinite is a solipsist, superstructure (also can seem evil)
all superstructures are detritus of the ego, skyscrapers awaiting planes
extreme av can leave you with PTSD, take precautionary measures, therapy if needed
the subconscious > the conscious
this is the trick: donāt get used to playing old games, invent new ones
Frankly, I could not have cared less. Maybe they should?
God knows it wouldnāt be a day sooner.
its true
iām 40% full of it and 40% ānobody hereā, but beyond this symmetry is the 20% that sustains me, thatās how realised i am, which is about as much as anyone normal gets, albeit not this early in life. so what to do with my remaining days on the planet.
i could, indeed i should focus on the 20%, not try to grow it, but kind of grow into it. fading out the noise.
| ā full of it when i regret or feel sorry āāāāāāāāāLāOāOāPāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā |
| ā ānobody hereā when i light up, rub one out, or generally try to ārelieveā myself, reach for the ākickā<āā |
ā Realized when i am observing myself / in practice and posture / out of the LOOP
what happens to āthe visionā precisely when I am about the enter the loop? facing something that was disfigured for you, is tough, but i must.
REALISE THAT WHAT YOU ARE BEING FORCE FED IS ACTUALLY PEOPLE CATCHING UP WITH YOU
IN A SENSE, LITTLE MORE THAN EMAIL, IF NOT ACTUAL NEWS, STILL NEWS ABOUT REAL PEOPLE SOMEWHERE
thinking for the longer term, mental health must take priority, if not physical health
6 ethical assessment cannot deny my decision to remain single/celibate is not wholly out of spite,
but better express the anger like this, than pretend to get along and repress it, which is dangerous.
also, so much for anger, something i usually never feel, but i simply do not trust anyone enough
to make them anything more than acquaintances. indeed, it would be impolite to bother people
with my demonstrably unwanted presence any more than I must.
iām just a tourist.
solitude has been an old friend, dearer now that i have all the time to remember how it helped me cope all these years.
7 my path is narrow and dangerous, and certainly not conducive for female companionship
if to prove my masculinity and humanity, i have to fornicate, i will do it for the science, but then,
i must revert to solitude.. I prefer the pavement what no one apparently understands, that each ānudgeā has now not only become a massive turn off,
but yet another proof of the blindness on the other side, which just adds to my reasons to avoid (as much as possible)
such friends.
I have boundaries too, what did yāall think?
short of physically being escorted or violence, i am not moving.
ALSO, LAWYER!
the reasons these people donāt have qualms about doing this, putting my mental and emotional health in jeopardy for their own reasons, is because they think theyāre doing it for the greater good, however, since it is only me who has suffered the pain of exclusion, it doesnāt seem a like a good deed from my perspective..
when the levee finally breaks, these people are going to fumble it, if i know Americans, they cannot pull this off with any sort of finesse, remember to be kind in that moment.
theyāll fumble it because theyāre being true, if you get hurt, remember to be kind.
if they donāt fumble, it will be a well-executed and civil procedure, kindness wonāt be necessary.
narcissistic emulation is not self righteous suicide, it is just narcissistic emulation based on expectations of risk/reward
8 In what has to be, in the cruellest of tortures ever invented, told I wasnāt the second coming of our lord. And Indeed, I cried back that I wasnāt.
Inside a virtual prison with my thoughts being read by satellite, displaced, in political exile, ostracised in virtually every way, demonised, conspired against, maligned and persecuted. I was called a child abuser, and compared with stalin and hitler - my existence had become a paradox, the so called glitch in the matrix.
Disowned by my family, internationally scorned and reviled over a tweet and some thoughts, over my own data, over my and my familyās history, loved, hated, loved again, and hated again and ultimately hated while being denied what is supposedly a fundamental human right, thatās where
my story begins, in a narcissistic anxious-avoidant whirlpool of a relationship with Washington
thatās how life should be lived.
if i am the clown, youāre a clownās fantasy, not sure how that can be sold as anything otherwise.
Georgina and the bee.
āthere are complexities in complexionā - Beyonce, quite unnecessary too.
Problem Statement Solve for how many times Joe Rogan says a) fascinating b) obviously in any given episode Solve for how many times Joe Rogan says āobviously very fascinatingā in any episode